Conflict isn’t anyone’s friend, but definitely a companion on this life journey. In relationships there will be conflict - just the mere fact that when there are two people involved, they will disagree about something. The more difficult part of relationships is that the disagreement can fester and continue to cause pain and hurt in the relationship if not addressed with honesty, grace, clear communication, and respect.
My husband and I have two sons. My oldest is staring the teenage years in the face with great excitement. I, on the other hand, feel inadequately prepared for these impending teenage years. Parents with older children try to reassure me that boys are easier than girls at this stage. But, whoa, daddy! Attitude is still alive and well in my prepubescent son!
In recent months, my oldest and I have had numerous conversations that have included “why won’t you let me do _____?!” And “I’m old enough to _______!!!” Or “my friends are allowed to - why can’t I?!” Conflict seems to be becoming part of my everyday encounter with him. As my husband and I walk with our oldest through these conflicts, I’ve realized that we are shaping and exercising his ‘conflict muscles,’ equipping him for future, more difficult conversations he’ll have outside our home. Our hope and goal is to train him into a resilient young man, able to make wise choices, know why he’s making that choice, and how to be gracious in the midst of the situation. We don’t need to train him on how to defend his argument - he and his younger brother have mastered that since they were toddlers. My house has the scars to prove it!
Every conflict or tense conversation doesn’t have to end with nuclear fallout.
In our house during sibling conflict, we basically hold a family meeting. Both sides present their side of the disagreement. The other side is not allowed to interrupt - ever. Questions will be asked of both sides to clarify the situation. If it is a big enough conflict, the opposing side may be asked to give a summary of what the other person said. Clarity and summary of the situation is then given by a parent. “Sentencing” (if needed, and varies in degree according to the crime and the recipient) is handed down. Rebuttal arguments - usually to the sentencing decision - are given. The end result is hopefully peace. But let’s be honest, it usually results in both parties being disgruntled by the decision, thus finding comfort in their sibling, who is also upset at the parent, giving them a common “enemy.”
This scenario only works part of the time - only if all the pieces align, tone of voice, parent calmness, receptiveness of each of the kids, and having the time and space. But let’s be honest, most of our conflict interactions aren’t buttoned up with a neat little bow, with everyone okay and able to move past the situation.
Every conflict or tense conversation doesn’t have to end with nuclear fallout. There are other options, but they have to be learned and practiced. And practiced. And practiced, again and again, and again, until they become second nature and a normal rhythm to difficult conversations. I have in no way mastered this, and situations with conflict still terrify me on the inside. If I know I’m headed into a situation with conflict, there are a few things I try to remember that help keep me grounded.
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God loves us all the same. There are no favorites. He loves you as deeply as He loves me. He can sympathize with both of us, because He sees and knows all our inner details.
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We are both made in the Imago Dei - Latin for image of God. We each bear a unique aspect of God’s character that no one else has. To honor God in these tough situations, we need to honor each other, treating and extending grace, respect, and honesty to the other.
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Choose to be fully present during the conversation. Put down and silence your phone. Actively listen to the conversation. Wrangle your thoughts so they are fully engaged, and not planning your next meal, or future play dates for your kids. Stay focused. Ask clarifying questions. Seek to understand. Make them the priority during the conversation.
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Communicate honestly. Don’t be rude or unkind, but be honest. If this relationship is important, honesty has to be part of the conversation. This part is hard, especially if there’s a feeling like the other person isn’t being as honest as you are. Remember, every situation is a learning experience for both sides.
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I am only responsible for what I bring to the table. I am not responsible for their actions, reactions, feelings, theories, or imagination. I don’t have to carry their stuff, even if they ask me to. I am only responsible for my part.
Conflict is unavoidable. How we step into conflict is a choice we have. Having tools to help in difficult situations may mean the difference between walking away as friends or enemies. Conflict doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship, but rather it can be the beginning of a new chapter in friendship.
